April 20, 2007 by gpstevens.

I’m sure many of you have seen the commercials on TV about a free credit report. Freecreditreport.com is a scam. It aint free. But the federal government is obligated to give you a free credit report once every year. The following is from about.com, and it’s legitimate. Don’t get scammed. 

Government Mandates Free Credit Reports for

All Consumers

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April 17, 2007 by gpstevens.

In light of the recent massacre at Virginia Tech University I wanted to send out my thoughts and prayers for the victims and their family and friends. It seems that day after day and year after year we hear about these things or read about them in the paper and it’s almost trivia. Hey did you hear about this or did you read about that? Whats the new scoop on Anna Nicole or what about this scandal or that, and somehow it all gets lumped into this big wad we call “The News.” It’s just another story, a picture in the paper, something to talk about over dinner or a beer at the bar or club. Water cooler talk I think they call it now. Just something to talk about with strangers when you don’t really want to talk to that person at all. How cold we have become.

Do we really feel their pain? Do we really feel the tragedy in our hearts? Do we really stop to think that on one Monday morning and afternoon literally thousands of lives have been changed as the result of one lone killers actions? As of now we have 33 people dead including the shooter, over 20 people wounded. Right now as it stands we have at least 50 people shot. Now how many wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, friends and various other relatives have been affected? Just using simple math that translates into the thousands.

I guess all I want to say is this.

None of us ever really know when the s**t is gonna hit the fan. In America we seem to take life and liberty and freedom so for granted. Then one day everything we loved so much is gone, sometimes it’s gone within minutes if not seconds. Yesterday a bunch of college kids went to class. In a couple of days they will be lowering alot of kids into the ground. They will never come home again. The school year for them is over. They will never get that dream job. They will never be what they wanted to be. They will never see mom and dad again. And mom and dad will have to live with the memory of seeing their child not outlive them.

What can we do about this? Not much. The best we can do is love our friends, treat them with respect. Love our children and our family and never let a day go buy without doing something or saying something that lets them know we love them. “Love thy neighbor as you love thyself” Jesus said. The country is in pain tonight and eventually the wounds will heal over time but let us not dismiss the pain of today. Today we were wounded but not killed, we will live on to fight another day, but in the meantime let’s pause and think and remember that sometimes when a loved one walks out the door to do what we consider their everyday routine, we may never see them again. Every good-bye could be our last.

May God bless and comfort those victims of the Virginia Tech Massacre and to all my friends, family, and everyone else, I love you.

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March 20, 2007 by gpstevens.

Ok folks I have been away from my blog for way too long, but I’m back with some more points to ponder. So as Larry McReynolds likes to say before every NASCAR race, DW reach up there and pull those belts tight one more time!

Todays topic is about the Ashtabula drivers. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. Now I don’t want to on too long on this but this subject always gets my blood boiling. Let’s start with the most obvious. I don’t in any way want to come off as insensitive, honestly people, alot of our beloved senior citezens need to be taken off the road. A lot of these people remember using horses and buggys to get around, and now they are driving Cadillacs. We are putting powerfull 2 thousand pound vehicles under the control of someone wearing a diaper. Do you really want an angry senior citizen with poopy pants coming at you head  on Lake road at night? On the serious side I’m worried about them as well. Driving a car is one of the ultimate freedoms in this country. Did you know that in a lot of Islamic countries it is illegal for a woman to drive a car? I completely understand that many of these people do not want to give up this privelege, I know I don’t look forward to the day when they tell me I can no longer drive a car. But we have to save them from themselves. They think they are driving ok when you and I both know thats not true. So when grandma starts showing up with mysterious dents and scarpes on their vehicle, its time to take the keys. Of course at that point you become their personal taxi service so be prepared.

Now we come to the attention deficit disoder (ADD) drivers of ashtabula. These are the people that don’t understand that the light will turn green shortly, it’s probably not the right time to send (or read) your latest text message. For the ladies out there: you only have a few seconds to fix your hair or check your makeup, I know the light is taking too long but you don’t have a few minutes either. The person behind you probably got their look together BEFORE they left the house so you should drop to the end of the longest line so you won’t be holding up traffic. For the ADD male driver: checking out the cute girl walking or driving along while you sit at the red light is probably not a good idea. I can almost guarantee that your lady friend will know down to 1/100th of a second when that light turns green, so you better be ready. Also as a warning, and I speak from experience, while your checking that hot chick out someone is going to pull out in front of you or do something stupid to ruin your view. So I’ve come up with the 3 second rule. You have 3 seconds to check out the girl (or guy for the ladies) and then you must look back to where you are going, after you do that you have another 3 seconds.

Recently I worked first shift and observed another phenomenon that I like to call the Mc Donalds drivers or MDD. The MDD drivers are those people trying to get to work as fast as they can because they didn’t get up early enough to get themselves together and have plenty of time to get to work. So these people run out the door at the last minute, make a quick stop at the Mc Donalds drive-thru for that quick cup of coffee and then get to work with at least 30 seconds to spare. These are the people usually in huge pick-up trucks or SUV’s. Now they are jacked up on caffein and in a big hurry and you’d better get outta their way. If the light is yellow they are going to go-for-it no matter what. In fact I recommend waiting 3 seconds after the light turns green before going thru the intersection just to be safe. One last thing on the MDD drivers. They have a tendancy to unexpectedly need to run back home or mysteriously change directions because they have forgotten the way to work, so give them some room.

Lastly we come to what I like to call the absolute idiot drivers or AID’s. These are the people who do every other stupid thing you can think of to piss you off. These are the people that should be taken from their cars and beaten in public. They don’t pay attention, they cut you off, they make semi-truck right turns and sit in the middle of the road or parking lot like there is nothing going on in the world but what THEY are doing. These people are more dangerous than any other driver because they have no freaking clue as to what they are doing. Always be on the look-out for the AID driver. They don’t see you hear you or even know you exist. They will sware on a stack of bibles that you weren’t there and pass a lie detector test because it’s true. They really didn’t see you there.

I’m going to end right here stay tuned for part 2.

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March 3, 2007 by gpstevens.

You may or may not know that I don’t like to read alot of joke and funny emails. I don’t mind getting a joke or two here and there but most of the time it’s just too much to read along with all the other stuff I read on a regular basis. One thing I do enjoy reading is news articles and information, and every now and then something shows up that really makes you think.

Julie sent me an email that was a copy of a letter that someone wrote to their local newspaper about drug testing. Basically the guy wanted to know why he has to pass a drug test just so he can work and pay taxes while people who receive public assistance and basically dont work for their money don’t have to pass a drug test?

Now that got me to thinking. Let me see if I understand this.

 I have to work 40 hours a week to pay my bills, pay my health insurance, buy food and gas so I can get to work, and with what little I have left over I can party as I see fit. But in order for me to live this way I have to pass a drug test. But people who receive public assistance can do all that plus they don’t even have to get out of bed in the morning and go to work, and they DON’T have to pass a drug test? 

Now I understand that from time to time people need a helping hand and the government is willing to help out. I have been on welfare several times in my life and to be totally honest I stayed on way too long because it was easier to stay in bed than it was to get up and go to work everyday. But if I would have had to pass a drug test in order to get my check every month I would have starved to death because when you’re a lazy bastard what else do you have to do but get high? I did more drugs on welfare than I ever could working a real job. You never had to worry about getting laid off of welfare, after all the government never runs out of money right? All of you stupid people were going to work everyday to pay for my drugs; and the best part of all was, you had to pass a drug test to make sure you weren’t getting high while you were working for my dope. Genius! While you were brewing a hot cup of coffee at 5:30 in the morning so you could wake up and go bust your ass for some boss that you can’t stand the sight of let alone work for, I was sleeping off a hangover. And when you came home from work to your screaming kids, and your nagging wife or husband, I was just lighting up my first joint while I watched TV and ate breakfast at 5 O’clock in the afternoon. Lastly when you looked at the TV guide a saw that there was one of your favorite ovies coming on but you couldn’t watch it because you had to get some sleep, me and my friends who were also on welfare were getting bombed and watching that movie for you. Afterall, we had the day off.

Seriously people, something has to be done about this. If I have to bust my ass and pass a test, then those lazy bastards should have to pass one too. Or maybe I’ve got this all wrong. We should raise the minimum wage to around $25 an hour and then those of us who have been working hard should quit our jobs and let those people who have been bitching about low paying jobs aren’t worth getting off welfare can start taking care of us. I also say we should make people who get social security take drug tests as well. I’m pretty sure there are quite a few dope fiend senior citizens out their driving their little motor scooters around Wal-Mart high as a kite on drugs that we pay for.

I say enough is enough. We want to have the day off too!!

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February 6, 2007 by gpstevens.

Ok I’m sure everyone is fully aware that it is as cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra around most of the country. I mean most of us up here in northeast Ohio are used to the cold but this is rediculous. Schools are closed, roads are treacherous, walking is a chore, and I’m really getting tired of cleaning the snow off the car 4 or more times a day. But right in the middle of this cold snap here comes these so called scientists’ telling us that global warming is at an all time critical stage, and guess what? America will be hit the hardest.

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, or the IPCC just recently released a report that says among other things that; ” the United States, the West will be hardest hit, scientists say. Heat waves, droughts and intense hurricanes are likely to increase in the coming decades. Air temperatures in the Southwest, particularly from California to Texas, are projected to rise in the summer about 10 degrees by the end of the century, assuming there is a moderate increase in greenhouse gas emissions. A reduction in emissions might keep the temperature rise to 5 degrees.”

Now I’m going to try to keep this blog short but who are these people trying to fool? They release this report right in the middle of a winter blast that is bringing half of the country to it’s knees. Maybe it’s just me but its hard to convince people that the house is on fire when we are frantically looking for more blankets to keep warm at night. When I’m scraping the ice of the windshield for the third time in a day I just don’t see the global warming thing. When the car won’t start because the battery is dead because it’s so freaking cold, I find it hard to see any evidence of global warming.

I’d like to announce a new phenomenon. It’s called talk to Jesus (or God) weather. It goes a little something like this:

When I walk outside of my nice warm apartment to get in my car to go to the store or work and the first words out of my mouth are; Jesus, it’s cold! It aint global warming yet. Or when I leave work or whatever to go home and I walk outside and say things like; “God damn it’s cold.” It aint global warming. When the rate in crime drops to zero at night, it aint global warming. When I open my home heating bill and say “Jesus, how am I going to pay for this?” It aint global warming.

I’m going to keep it short but for Christ’s sake, talk to me about global warming when I’m standing in front of my air conditioner in my underwear trying to dry the sweat off my ass right after a cold shower, but not when I’m trying to defrost my testicles after a short trip to Walmart.

Global warming my ass! I got polar bears sniffing around my trash cans outside here. If we have global warming right now I think they need a new thermometer. C’mon spring!!   

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February 4, 2007 by gpstevens.

I am like most people. I like TV. There is something on TV for everybody. Whatever you

like you can find on TV. You got news, weather, sports, movies, music, even shop on

TV. From the History channel to Animal Planet, you get it all provided you have

cable. But there’s something suspicious going on with TV. In this blog I’m going to

point out a few things that will change the way you watch TV forever. Here we go.

First: Ever notice how when your watching TV and a commercial comes on you grab the

remote to see whats on the other channels only to find that, Hey! They’re in

commercial too!  Why is that? The television networks know that most people have a

very short attention span. They know we are going to grab the remote and surf the

channels, so they schedule almost all commercial breaks at the same time so that

you will somehow see an advertisement from one of their sponsors no matter what

channel you go to. Often times the same types of commercials come on at the same

times to capture a specific audience. Thats why you never see a commercial for

Viagra during the cartoons. Conversely you never see a commercial for Co-Co Puffs

during American Idol. Why is that?  Maybe a bowl of cereal would be really good

during American Idol but the TV gods don’t think so. A box of cereal costs around

$4.00 but a new Chevy truck costs around 30 grand. Kids don’t have any money to buy

a truck but you do. So lets advertise the truck to you and Capn Crunch to the broke

ass kids. Do I have your attention yet?

Second: The gender gap. OK, so your watching TV, a commercial comes on, you start

surfing channels and you see more commercials, but you wonder whats on that channel

anyway. Well, what kind of commercial is on? I’m willing to go out on a limb and

say that if you see more than one commercial about feminine hygeine products, there

is a pretty good chance that there is no sports on that network right now.

Conversely, if you see a commercial about “Built Ford Tough”, followed by a Bud

Light commercial, it’s a pretty sure bet that the Oprah Winfrey show is not on that

network right now. You see the TV gods know who’s watching what, and when. But what

about when men and women are watching the same show you might ask? Well the TV gods

have that figured out as well. The harsh reality is, we live in a male dominated

society. Almost every major network is run by men. One exception is the Lifetime

channel. Since these networks are owned and run by mostly men they do things from a

male point of view. So while you and your signifigant other are watching American

Idol, you will see all the girlie commercials for women, but the women will be

really sexy so the guys will pay attention. Think about it. You never see a fat

broad talking about tampons on TV at ANY time. Who the hell wants to see that? That

would make even a fat kid spit out his Co-Co Puffs. One the other hand the

commercials about Viagra and Cialis all have relatively good-looking guys in decent

shape in them. So the women see those commercials and think, hmmmm, he wouldn’t

need Viagra if I got my hands (or mouth) on him. But if you put a big fat

pot-bellied guy on TV talking about he needs Viagra, when he hasn’t even seen his

penis in the last 15 years, we all go running from the room screaming in horror, or

pissing our pants in laughter. Who the hell would want to buy Viagra after seeing

that? As a side note. How come in all the fast food commercials there are never any

fat people in the resturaunt. Everyone stuffing a whopper in their face is in great

shape. When I go to a fast food joint I always see some kid that should have been

on a diet since kindergarten. He or she is usaully accompanied by his very large

parents, but they all have diet Cokes’. You see the TV gods know that if they

showed you fat people eating at Wendy’s you won’t go there out of fear that you’ll

wind up like those fat bastards you saw on TV. Which brings me to another thought.

Why is it in almost every diet commercial they keep showing us food? Well the TV

gods have that figured out too. First they know that 25% of the American public is

over weight, so we all need to go on a diet right? But if we all got skinny we

wouldn’t need those diet foods anymore, and thus their sales would drop. But we

can’t have that. Sooooooooo…, they shows us that delicious food because they know

we won’t eat just one diet meal but two, or three. But we feel better about eating

that low fat crap. Instead of saying I had a Wendy’s triple with the works I can

say I ate 6 or 7 low fat veggie burgers and 3 diet pepsi’s because im dieting.

Please! So the next time you see a fast food commercial look around at the people

in them and think of what they are trying to tell you about who eats that crap.

Third:The Mind Job. This might be a little hard to follow so read carefully. There

is an annoying commercial on TV about a product called HeadON. “HeadOn, applied

directly to the forehead.” “HeadOn, applied directly to the forehead.” “HeadOn,

applied directly to the forehead.” That commercial is one of the most annoying

commercials known to mankind, and the TV gods knew it. They knew that people would

get sick of it. Especially when they used to run it 2 times in a row. So now they

have a commercial about the same product only with a twist now. First you get the

“HeadOn, applied directly to the forehead.”, but then a person walks on the screen

and starts saying it in anger like he or she hates the commercial but loves the

product. And therin lies the trick. The original commercial used to say “HeadOn,

applied directly to the forehead.” 3 times. Now the new one you hear “HeadOn,

applied directly to the forehead.” 4 times. But you feel better about it now

because they like you, hate the commercial too, but oops!!! Now you can’t get that

slogan out of your head, so to speak. Moreover, now they put in a testimonial so

now you think, hey, thats probably a good product. You like it now because someone

“allegedly” feels the same way you do. But the only thing you really have in common

with that person is that you both hate that commercial. This is classic reverse

psychology. The TV gods made you hate something first and then like it second so

you think you made an informed decision.

So the next time you walk into a store, stop and think before you buy something.

When you look at a product on the shelf do you see the commercial in your mind? Are

you buying it because you think it’s a good product or are the TV gods messing with

your head? “HeadOn, applied directly to the forehead.”

Scary aint it?

–
To err is human. To really screw things up requires a computer.

Greg Stevens

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December 29, 2006 by gpstevens.

Maybe it’s just me but the craziest shit comes accross my mind when I’m sitting on the toilet. It seems like I can get into some really deep thought while I’m on the John. Like every morning I rethink my life, remember old times good times, good and bad. Usually I’ll recall some personal hell time period in my life, and have overwhelming feelings of regret, and wish I could go back in time and right some old wrongs. Ususally right toward the very end I become resolute and make multiple decisions to change my life. Then I wipe my ass and flush.

Then there are all those times during the day when I go to the bathroom and I get really creative in thought. It seems at times like those I can think of ways to save the whales and build a better mouse trap, bring peace to the middle east and shit like that. Then I wipe my ass and flush.

Then there are times late at night when i”m sitting there and I curse humanity itself. What a cruel world this is and why are we here? I think of all the assholes in the world and devise extremely brutal ways of eliminating them from the species so that maybe some of us will survive. Especially the Liberal Democrats who are doing their best to destroy this country under the guise of protecting the United States from George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Then I wipe my ass and flush.

All these thoughts run through my head while I’m taking a dump and yet I never seem to follow through on any of those things. Now I’m not saying that I never do what I think about at those times, but it seems rather strange. Perhaps we human beings take a crap on more than one level. We empty our bowels and our minds at the same time. We unload all the crap in our heads and bodies in some kind of symbiotic way. Did God design us in such a way that our wiring is somehow connecting our brain and our ass at the same time? When we are constipated is our brain constipated as well? When we get the runs, uh.. Nevermind.

I’m hoping someone out there can explain to me ths great mystery. If only my ass could talk. If only we could wipe our minds, like we wipe our ass, then, maybe then there would be world peace.

Think about it.

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