Driving 101

Ok folks I have been away from my blog for way too long, but I’m back with some more points to ponder. So as Larry McReynolds likes to say before every NASCAR race, DW reach up there and pull those belts tight one more time!

Todays topic is about the Ashtabula drivers. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about. Now I don’t want to on too long on this but this subject always gets my blood boiling. Let’s start with the most obvious. I don’t in any way want to come off as insensitive, honestly people, alot of our beloved senior citezens need to be taken off the road. A lot of these people remember using horses and buggys to get around, and now they are driving Cadillacs. We are putting powerfull 2 thousand pound vehicles under the control of someone wearing a diaper. Do you really want an angry senior citizen with poopy pants coming at you head  on Lake road at night? On the serious side I’m worried about them as well. Driving a car is one of the ultimate freedoms in this country. Did you know that in a lot of Islamic countries it is illegal for a woman to drive a car? I completely understand that many of these people do not want to give up this privelege, I know I don’t look forward to the day when they tell me I can no longer drive a car. But we have to save them from themselves. They think they are driving ok when you and I both know thats not true. So when grandma starts showing up with mysterious dents and scarpes on their vehicle, its time to take the keys. Of course at that point you become their personal taxi service so be prepared.

Now we come to the attention deficit disoder (ADD) drivers of ashtabula. These are the people that don’t understand that the light will turn green shortly, it’s probably not the right time to send (or read) your latest text message. For the ladies out there: you only have a few seconds to fix your hair or check your makeup, I know the light is taking too long but you don’t have a few minutes either. The person behind you probably got their look together BEFORE they left the house so you should drop to the end of the longest line so you won’t be holding up traffic. For the ADD male driver: checking out the cute girl walking or driving along while you sit at the red light is probably not a good idea. I can almost guarantee that your lady friend will know down to 1/100th of a second when that light turns green, so you better be ready. Also as a warning, and I speak from experience, while your checking that hot chick out someone is going to pull out in front of you or do something stupid to ruin your view. So I’ve come up with the 3 second rule. You have 3 seconds to check out the girl (or guy for the ladies) and then you must look back to where you are going, after you do that you have another 3 seconds.

Recently I worked first shift and observed another phenomenon that I like to call the Mc Donalds drivers or MDD. The MDD drivers are those people trying to get to work as fast as they can because they didn’t get up early enough to get themselves together and have plenty of time to get to work. So these people run out the door at the last minute, make a quick stop at the Mc Donalds drive-thru for that quick cup of coffee and then get to work with at least 30 seconds to spare. These are the people usually in huge pick-up trucks or SUV’s. Now they are jacked up on caffein and in a big hurry and you’d better get outta their way. If the light is yellow they are going to go-for-it no matter what. In fact I recommend waiting 3 seconds after the light turns green before going thru the intersection just to be safe. One last thing on the MDD drivers. They have a tendancy to unexpectedly need to run back home or mysteriously change directions because they have forgotten the way to work, so give them some room.

Lastly we come to what I like to call the absolute idiot drivers or AID’s. These are the people who do every other stupid thing you can think of to piss you off. These are the people that should be taken from their cars and beaten in public. They don’t pay attention, they cut you off, they make semi-truck right turns and sit in the middle of the road or parking lot like there is nothing going on in the world but what THEY are doing. These people are more dangerous than any other driver because they have no freaking clue as to what they are doing. Always be on the look-out for the AID driver. They don’t see you hear you or even know you exist. They will sware on a stack of bibles that you weren’t there and pass a lie detector test because it’s true. They really didn’t see you there.

I’m going to end right here stay tuned for part 2.

This entry was posted on March 20, 2007 at 12:35 am and is filed under General Discussions, Other, Local News, Main Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.

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