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2 Responses to “Women need to learn the rules about Football season.”

1. gpstevens says:
   February 4, 2007 at 4:13 pm

   Loretta found this great article from the Plain Dealer about man laws and it’s well worth sharing.

   From The Plain Dealer - Cleveland, Ohio - November 3, 2006

   You’ve seen those Miller Lite commercials: Burt Rey nolds, Jerome Bettis, Jimmy Johnson and other guys sitting around a table and declaring “man laws” — the rules no real man would ever break

   Miller Lite’s “manlyfesto” includes prohibitions on smashing beer cans on your head (cans are too thin for it to mean anything anymore), clinking the tops of beer bottles (spit might be swapped) and using wireless phone headsets (they make you look like a crazy person).

   Men really need more guidelines than beer commercials can provide. (But if you’ve seen a guy pack his lunch in a Pottery Barn bag, you already know that.)

   Truth is, the world needs many, many more man laws. That’s where the manly men of The Plain Dealer’s features department step in. We climbed down from our tree stands holding stone tablets containing our own man laws. Here they are:

   L03%MANLAWS, ,50001LLE1103, , You can stand for the song. You can enjoy the song, but if your arms ever spell out Y, M, C or A, said arms will be broken.

   Forget kindergarten. Every thing you need to know can be learned from “Godfather” I and II.

   Unless a doctor orders it, peanuts should never be unsalted, coffee never decaffeinated and chicken never skinless.

   Weddings, charity events, bar mitzvahs — none should ever be scheduled on the same day as a Browns home game or an Ohio State-Michigan showdown.

   An hour handing out brats and burgers at the Church of the Lakefront (aka Cleveland Browns Stadium) satisfies the weekly religious commitment for any denomination.

   “Dancing With the Stars,” “American Idol” and “The View” are wrong, just plain wrong.

   You are allowed to watch fitness videos, but only if you’re watching, not working out.

   While thirsty and watching a game, it’s rude to yell to the wife in the kitchen: “My hand is empty!” Instead say, “Honey, my hand is empty.”

   Wings, salsa, burritos — the only thing that should ever be consumed “mild” is a cigar.

   Holding hands in public is OK, if the person is a son or daughter under 7 years old.

   You must never call a foul in a pickup game. If your opponent is a man, he’ll admit the foul.

   You are allowed to drive around the block to re-evaluate a jogger, but only once.

   Two mediocre pizzas are better than one good pizza.

   MAN RULESE3

   from E1

   Real men make their own rules

   There are two — and only two — string instruments: guitar and bass.

   Moisturizing is allowed in the winter, but only after the skin has begun to bleed.

   A man should never wear a shirt while swimming or go shirtless while mowing the lawn.

   Support neighbor kids by generously purchasing candy, popcorn and other door-to-door sales items. But never buy wrapping paper or scented candles.

   Never wear a Speedo.

   A man stays up as late as he wants.

   Only under extreme circumstances — injury, severe illness — should a man ever have to hold his wife’s purse. He should remove $5 from said purse for the trouble.

   Never eat pizza with a fork and knife. Unless engaging in a fantasy draft or closing a business deal, no man should talk on the phone for more than 10 minutes at a time.

   The only acceptable ring tone is “Ring!”

   If a drink has more than three ingredients, it is not a man’s drink.

   “Pal” and “buddy” are acceptable surrogates for another man’s name. “Big fella” is not.

   Channel surfing is encouraged. Pausing for more than five seconds on figure skating, “Desperate Housewives” or QVC is forbidden (unless they’re selling those huge knives on QVC or Eva Longoria is in lingerie on “Desperate Housewives”).

   A man should not even attempt to fold underwear.

   Love your kids, hug your kids, kiss your kids. But do not call them “honey” in public.

   Including a French word in conversation is acceptable, but going out of your way to pronounce it correctly is not allowed. Unless your girlfriend digs that.

   Always fight on your brother’s side, even if it’s against an entire football team. And he started it.

   The grill is the man’s domain. He will use it year-round. Corollary: Anything prepared on the grill — even quiche — counts as a manly meal.

   When invited to watch football at a friend’s house, even if the friend says he has plenty of beer, a man must bring beer.

   Never bring anything to a party that has to be “heated up a little bit.”

   When driving, always give “the wave” when someone allows you into his lane. The wave should never include wiggling of the fingers.

   It is permissible to allow your wife or girlfriend to drive on occasion. It is never OK to allow her to pump the gas.

   Hand sanitizer is OK. Hand lotion is not.

   The lunch check will be divided by the number of people at lunch. There will be no haggling over who had the soup and who had an appetizer. If there is an impasse, the man will simply pick up the entire lunch.

   A man rakes his own leaves.

   It is OK to call the plumber, but only after trying to fix it yourself.

   No Velcro wallets.

   A man should coach his kids’ teams, even if he doesn’t know anything about the sport. He should never lose his temper with a child. Ever.

   If a man makes less money than his wife, he will keep quiet and consider himself lucky.

   A man should drink beer from the bottle but whiskey from the glass.

   A man can cry only during “Field of Dreams,” “Brian’s Song” and “Old Yeller.” And only trickling tears; no sobbing allowed.

   Order any cocktail featured on “Sex in the City,” and you’re out of the man club.

   A man should not have more items in the shower caddy than his wife.

   The woman doesn’t pack your suitcase.

   No carrying water when you run, unless you’re running at least a half-marathon.

   Hats, bare heads and headbands are OK. But no earmuffs.

   No reading Mitch Albom.

   No yippy dogs.

   No John Mayer albums.

   No pro-war politics unless you’ve enlisted.

   No latte anything.

   No singalongs.

   A man will never use the phrase “that is solast year.”

   A man makes any and all purchases of household items in the name of his wife. Extra points are awarded when using the phrase “it’s a gift.”

   Super bonus points if the salesclerk is female, and he adds the phrase “just because.”

   A man avoids crying in public unless holding an actual death certificate.

   A man will never ask if an item of clothing makes him look fat.

   You may touch another man’s open beer only in the event of a genuine emergency, e.g., the house is on fire and his hands are full carrying the cooler.

   Dating your brother’s former girlfriend is permissible, provided the date is to the playoffs — and the tickets are in her name.

   Corollary: You may date your brother’s currentgirlfriend if the tickets are courtside, on the 50-yard line or adjacent to the dugout.

   Umbrellas are for rainy days. Not drinks. And real men will eschew them in either case.

   It is permissible to laugh if your friend’s broken ankle occurred when he tripped during a roadside sobriety test — provided you answer the phone and bail him out at 4:30 a.m.

   Breasts can never be too large (unless they are your daughter’s).

   Never tell your friend if his wife is having an affair. Unless it’s with another woman, and you have video.

   Never suggest divorce to your friend. Why should you be the only one who’s miserable?

   A pat on the butt is only acceptable if you’re both wearing football pants.

   Celine Dion records and CDs may only be used for skeet shooting. Ditto Barry Manilow discs.

   Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. They might crash on the way back from the liquor store and thenyou’re out a friend and booze.

   A wise man offers a daily preemptive apology to his wife or girlfriend. A genius can get her to accept blame for whatever he did.

   ** Plain Dealer writers John Campanelli, Joe Crea, Michael Heaton, Bill Lubinger, Michael K. McIntyre and Chuck Yarborough contributed to this article.

2. messwithme142002 says:
   March 27, 2007 at 1:02 am

   um…i dunno about football season being a great time to try to recipes and learn to bake…unless she really knows what she’s doing

   because..it might end in hurt feelings if it turns out horrible and the guys are only pretending to like it.

   women arent stupid

   they sense those things you know o_O

   but yea..like i was saying. then there’s and argument during the game.

   a few guys might even decide to leave and go elsewhere because they dont want to listen to you arguing and interupt their gaming experience. (and unless you’re the guy in the group with the totally bad ass entertainment system they were probably only at your place to avoid arguing with their own women at home) and if you’re not paying much attention they’ll snag some of the snacks and stuff on they’re way out

   then there’s an argument after the game.

   and after everyone leaves

   which ends only in an angry silence in bed

   or more arguing in bed

   either way

   if the guy values his relationship (and his sex life) any at all over his own pride and selfish indulgences he will be grovelling all through out the rest of the week.

   but…

   hey then again…

   that may very well be a great idea for those women feeling neglected by their male counterparts.

   although, im quite sure a few of them have already thought of this.

   don’t get me wrong.

   im no womanizer

   my mother would kill me.

   I dont feel women (or men) have any “roles” in a relationship

   i just felt, i should offer insight on the suggestion at trying new things in the kitchen at the wrong (or possibally right) time

   personally

   my girlfriend cant cook for squat

   well…she can make a mean bowl of cap’n crunch

   and mac’ and cheese

   but thats about it.

   so in my case football season would be a horrible time for her to decide she wants to learn to cook.

   especially since whenever she says she wants to learn to cook she’s really saying “cajun teach me how to cook”

   but then again if she’s looking to blackmail some attention out of me in her case football season would be a prime time to jump into the kitchen.

   but…like any woman who knows what shes doing

   she doesnt really have to wait untill football season.

   because she knows if she really wanted something, shed find a way to get it out of me.

   all good women know they’re men just as well as they know themselves (if not better)

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